oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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