it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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