Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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