I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize