You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i out mim tonsoeep
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