Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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