You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize