I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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