How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
