i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
