Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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