sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
