I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
