My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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