Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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