I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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