im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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