babies were throwing up all over the place
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
