Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
