he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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