i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
