remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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