I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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