can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
