The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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