DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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