I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
