I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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