oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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