oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
