No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
