life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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