hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
