I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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