There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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