Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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