Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
