Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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