Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
