And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
