Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
