I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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