Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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