You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
