dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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