I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
