I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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