Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize