how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
