I faked an abortion last night.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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