I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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