I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
