We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
