uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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