I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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