my phone needs a breathalizer
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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