I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
