i love accidental penises.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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