You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
