im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
